Why are relationships so hard?

Relationships, for better or worse, can be our best teachers.

If we are willing to be vulnerable and get curious we can learn so much. I have found myself countless times looking at the other person I am in relationship with (romantically, platonically, professionally) and easily identified their shortcomings, allowing myself to escape any responsibility and DENYING myself the chance to grow. 

This strategy was adaptive. I was insecure, didn’t know myself. Didn’t know how to love myself.  So I relied heavily on external validation, and it was never enough. It would never be enough, sadly a lesson it took me 40 years to learn. 

As children, we build our sense of self in relation to our world, our caregivers. Let’s just say I didn’t get what I needed to develop a strong self concept. 

That doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause though. 

I had to slow down, so I could observe my own patterns. See where the struggles were. 

I had to reduce my overall stress load so I could have the emotional bandwidth to tackle this beast of learning to love myself, which required letting my shame and insecurities bubble to the surface so I could transform them into my superpower of confident vulnerability.  

Here are some questions that guide my curiosity (I personally will reflect, meditate, or journal around these): 

• What is this stirring up in me?

• What is the lesson here for me to learn?

• How can I see this situation/ person more compassionately?

• What is the best resolution I can hope for? 

• What do I need in this moment? 

And when I am blinded by my own emotion, I call a friend (or therapist) whose insight I trust and can talk it through with.